


The Butt Pack

by jademark



Series: Given Prompts [3]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Kidnapping, Large butts, Swearing, Threats of Violence, apart from obvious reasons, baby talk, except to a rock, fun fact: i gave the merc group that name because, i misheard mordin saying that when he was talking about his loyalty mission, no violence tho, so i put teen and up to be safe, someone holding a gun to someone's head
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:46:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22142785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jademark/pseuds/jademark
Summary: "The volus unveil their first female leader who looks exactly like Miranda with a small head, and Tali gets called on a secret mission where she's taken prisoner by mercenaries who have large butts, so Shepherd baby talks them into letting her go while Jack mercilessly shoots at a rock for no reason"
Series: Given Prompts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1599073
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a series of ficlets inspired by strange prompts from my sister.

Shepard headed to the Citadel to run some quick errands.

"Good day. Did you hear the news?" a random salarian turned to her at C-Sec headquarters.

"What news?” Shepard said.

"The volus have finally chosen their new leader."

"I didn't know they elected leaders to begin with. But I'm not very familiar with their social structures."

"Yes, it's certainly rare! It's a once-in-a-lifetime event."

"The volus are our client race and I've never heard of such a tradition," Garrus said.

Shepard decided to visit Din Korlack.

"Wow, earth-clan spectre, thank you for the inquiry," Din Korlack breathed. "I would not expect your kind to care. It is a wonderful day for us indeed, one that is commonly overlooked, even by the Council, it would seem. For the first time in 30 years, we have selected a leader who has the power to unite all the clans in Irune."

"That's great to hear. Who is it?"

Din Korlack lit up his omnitool and presented Shepard with a holographic image of Miranda with a small head.

"Uh," Shepard said.

"What is it?" Din Korlack said.

"Nevermind," Shepard said. 

"Yes, earth-clan. You have a good stay at the Citadel."

"Okay, so he clearly still dislikes me after all these years," Shepard said to Garrus after she had left the Volus ambassador's office.

"That was strange. I've known Din Korlack for a while, and he's not one to make jokes."

“What’s the alternative, then?”

"Yeah, I'm kind of stumped," Garrus said. 

"Maybe we can ask Avina." Shepard walked over to her. "Avina, what can you tell me about the new volus leader?"

"The volus leader was elected unanimously this morning at 10:34 AM," she replied, revealing the same hologram. Shepard could hear "spirits" uttered behind her.

"Okay, clearly a lot of red sand was involved in the decision making process behind that one. You know what, I think now's a good time as any to head back to the Normandy."

"Maybe someone bypassed the Keepers and hacked Avina," Garrus said. "But if someone could do that, then we'd have much bigger problems on our hands. I don't know what to think."

"Uh, Shepard? I saw Tali call a cab not long after you got here," Joker said after Shepard boarded the Normandy from the docking bay. "You knew about that, right?"

“She didn't tell me anything about that."

"I thought you should know."

"Hold on," Shepard turned on her omnitool and sifted through her messages. There was a new message from Tali:

"Sorry I had to leave on my own, Shepard. I was alerted of an urgent matter regarding the flotilla that I had to tend to. I didn’t want to put your mission on hold in the process. It shouldn’t be long. I will notify you as soon as possible."

"This is weird. Tali wouldn't just leave. Even when she had to attend her trial and considered leaving on another ship she still told me about it beforehand. Something doesn't add up. I'm going to go check on her."

"I traced her route," Joker said. "Looks like she's on Omega."

"I'll be right over. I'll bring Garrus and Jack."

The coordinates appeared to be directly on Omega, confirming Shepard's suspicions that something was off. But the coordinates did not lead to a specific location so Shepard had to follow some leads.

"Do you think she was kidnapped?" Shepard asked Garrus.

"I’m not sure yet. I'll let you know as soon as I pick up a pattern. I know these gangs well. Don't worry, we'll find her."

"I think I'm going to ask Aria in the meantime."

Shepard approached Afterlife but saw Captain Gavorn standing near the entrance.

"Hey. Have you seen a quarian come through here?" Shepard asked. 

"As a matter of fact I have," Gavorn said. "Why do you ask?"

"She's with us. Was she by herself?"

"Yeah, she headed toward the apartments. Haven't seen her since. I'd check on her soon if I were you. Those vorcha can be pretty unpredictable."

Shepard and her group left to the apartments. After bypassing a couple of empty rooms near the complex, Shepard found Tali held hostage among a group of mercenaries. Upon Shepard's arrival, the mercenaries withdrew their guns.

"Let go of the quarian now and we won't have a problem," Shepard said.

"I don't think so," a human said. "Not unless we get our data."

"Hmmm. I don't recognize this group," Garrus said. They consisted of humans, batarians, vorcha, krogans, and turians, and the common denominator between all of them was their noticeable junk in the trunk.

"Who are you?" Shepard asked.

"We're the Butt Pack," a krogan grunted.

"What do you want with her?" Shepard asked.

"We're tired of our lack of recognition among the gangs of Omega. And don't think your little quarian here doesn't have a reputation. If anyone, she can help us get the geth on our side. Especially those geth juggernauts. And then everyone will cower when they hear our name."

"Yeah, I don't think that's going to happen," Jack said.

"Do you really think that you're ever going to get the geth to follow your specific agenda? It doesn’t work that way. Now don't make this harder than it has to be. Hand her over if you want to live." 

"Yeah, well, we've got influence. We've got brute force. And with a quarian's AI hacking abilities, I’d still like to wager that we'd be pretty damn powerful," a batarian said, placing a gun to Tali's head.

Shepard sighed and cradled her forehead in her hand. "Will... Will you... pwease weconsider… Letting da qwawian go? Yeah?”

“Shepard, what the fuck are you doing,” Garrus whispered. 

“It is a big, big inconvenience to have you hold her hostage like dis. It’s not going to help you, and it’s not going to help me. And all dose geth aren’t as easiwy controwwable as you tink. Your wittle plan will backfire. Dat’s right.” 

“Oh my God,” Jack said.

“Besides, you don’t wanna mess wit a Spectre, do you? And do you see all dese guns? I don’t tink you wanna do dat, no you don’t.” 

The batarian paused, and then pushed Tali to the front of the crowd. “Fine. You can have her.”

“Shepard, for a second I thought you had completely lost your mind. How did you know that would work?” Garrus asked once they had left. 

“You know me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to get the job done. Tali, what happened? Are you okay?”

“I’m so sorry, Shepard. I got a distress signal from a quarian trapped on Omega, and I thought I could go briefly investigate on my own. The Butt Pack used a name I recognized and it all seemed so genuine, and I didn’t want to interrupt your mission. I should have told you before going.”

“It’s okay, Tali. But just know in the future I’m always willing to help you out. We’re a team.” 

Jack spotted a rock on the floor, pulled out her gun and blew it into pieces while screaming. 

“Jack, what was that about?” Shepard asked.

“I was really looking forward to killing something, so I guess this rock will have to do.” 


	2. Epilogue

Shepard entered Afterlife, walked past Anto and saw Aria lounging on her couch. Aria met eyes with her and nodded at the adjacent couch. Shepard took a seat.

"What did you want to see me for?" Aria asked.

"What can you tell me about the Butt Pack?"

"Seriously? _That's_ what you came here to discuss?" 

"They just tried to kidnap my friend and hold her hostage. I'd like some intel." 

"There is no intel. They're just a group of mercenaries who've been around for a surprisingly long time. They don't bring anything extraordinary to the table. You've just got to have a large ass to join." 

"That's it?"

"Yep. Unfortunate that you had to meet them that way."

"They wanted my friend to use her AI expertise to get the geth on their side."

"Sounds like them. They'll do anything to be taken seriously. But I don't think there's any amount of geth recruits that could save their reputation." 

"Thanks. Maybe I'll come back later," Shepard got up.

"Maybe I'll be here." 


End file.
